Whoah! This update has taken almost a month for completion in between feeding time, diaper change, washing bottles, doing laundry, cooking lunch, dinner …etc etc
It’s been almost a month since little Jorgito’s arrival. And the past 1 month has been a crazy roller coaster ride for me emotionally.
The truth is, there is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for motherhood. And once that reality of having a baby right in front of you hits you, it hits hard and suddenly you are in constant battle with yourself on the decision you have made and you would be constantly questioning if you are ever gonna pull through motherhood.
To backtrack a little bit on the arrival of little Jorgito. 23rd Jan was supposed to be the due date of our baby. On 22nd Jan, I still have not felt any contraction or any signs that I would be going into labor the next 24 hours. Anxious, I went to bed at 3am that day. Despite having a doctors appointment at 8am the next morning.
We slept through our alarm clock. When I was awaken by the bright ray of sunlight that morning, I literally sprung out of bed at a few minutes passed 8am. My hubby suggested that we postponed our checkup but I was adamant to have it done that morning. So we grabbed my hospital bag, called the hospital to postpone the checkup to 9am and rushed to the hospital.
When we arrived at the hospital, I was ordered to sit in a wheel chair and was wheeled to the labor room. I was then connected to a machine to check baby’s heartbeat and my contraction. My doctor came and performed a cervix checkup. To my dismay, my cervix was still very much closed. The doctor gave us an option to wait for another week or to go for c section on that day.
We choose the latter after a brief discussion. 2 hours later I was in the operating room and little Jorgito came out 15 mins later. Wailing at the top of his lungs, looking oh-so-adorable when the nurses showed him to me at the operating table.
Ever since little’s Jorgito’s arrival, I’ve been in a wind whirl of emotion…
What can I say… I wasn’t prepared at all for motherhood. Despite consciously aware that I was carrying a baby for 9 months, anticipating the arrival of baby with baby showers, shopping for baby stuff etc etc…
The first week or baby’s arrival was a major blow to me. I was frustrated because I didn’t produced enough breast milk (and still didn’t up till today), I was agitated with my c section wound because I couldn’t move and do much, not to mention that I couldn’t adjust to the new addition in our life. I didn’t have enough confident to hold the baby, even though I love him dearly, the constant feeding, waking up every 2 hours and the confinement blues led me to a complete meltdown. I didn’t know how to deal with it other than crying my heart out again and again.
There were moments where I felt like giving up. The change was too much for me to handle…I looked at my son and it hit me that he is a lifetime commitment, from now onwards I will be forever worry about his well being, he would become my priority while the rest of my life and my husband takes a backseat. I wasn’t sure if that was what I could dealt with. But fortunately I have a very patient and supportive husband beside me.
The baby blues wore off after 2 weeks. But I was physically very tired..and I was hit by another wave of emotional roller coaster which turned me into a bitchy monster.
My husband said I was nicer, calmer and sweet when I was pregnant. The more I tried to fight the bitch in me, the bitchier I become. So I took a step back to analyze why was I so bitchy esp towards my husband, the man I love so dearly…
I realize that I was angry… Because our relationship has taken a backseat since little Jorgito’s arrival. I was angry because I still had to lift many fingers doing housework when I was supposed to be resting and recuperating from my operation. I was angry because of my backache, and the joins in my fingers where hurting like mad. I was angry because of my disgustingly looking belly and stretch marks. I was angry because I expect my husband to help me more without me asking…
And a lot of time, I am just angry for the sake of being angry.
It’s almost a month now since little Jorgito’s arrival. I am still adjusting to him, to our new life…Honestly I don’t know how on earth are we going to manage after my maternity leave ends. There are a lot of challengers ahead that’s for sure. From time to time just had to keep reminding myself that I am blessed to have such a beautiful baby and a loving husband. And I have to do whatever it takes to keep us together.