Before little Jorgito was born, I’ve always wanted a natural birth so that my breast milk would come right after delivery to breast feed little Jorgito. In fact, I felt very strongly about feeding baby with breast milk for the first few months due to the nutrition it provides .
Then little Jorgito was born through c section and my worst nightmare came true.
In the first 3 days while I was recovering in the hospital. My nipple was so bruised and sore due to constant squeezing and sucking. We later found out that little Jorgito was not able to latch properly because he has tongue tied. Which causes much pain to my nipple when he sucked them. However, thank God the pediatrician found out earlier and we were able to let the doctor perform a small surgery to fix the issue. But that’s another story all together.
Some of my friends even told me to prepare formula for bottle feed because milk supply will be low on the first few days. I didn’t listen because I wanted so much to breast feed. But the reality was that I only managed to produce little colostrum no matter how hard I tried to squeeze my poor nipples.
The first couple of weeks was tough. Not able to breastfeed worsen my baby blues. I feel so frustrated and guilty because I couldn’t breastfeed my son. And the more encouragement I get from people around me, the worse I felt.
After a few weeks, I resigned to the fact that I just couldn’t produce enough breast milk. The circumstances doesn’t help either. I wasn’t drinking enough water, wasn’t eating enough and I didn’t get the much needed rest.
I was a train wreck.
A month and a half later, after talking to people who couldn’t breastfeed due to unforeseen circumstance, I realized that being a mother is more than breast feeding and I’ve been so hard on myself that I completely neglected the fact that being a mother is also about providing love and care for my son. I did a lousy job in the first month because I was so fixated about breastfeeding I accumulated so much frustration and did not enjoy being a mother.
So I stopped.
And when I stopped squeezing the damn milk out of me, I was able to rest a little bit more, amuse myself with musings on the internet and I fell in love with my son all over again.
I am not by any means discouraging breastfeeding. Some moms had it easy, some has more will power than me to keep trying.
I just couldn’t do it…
I just hope that my formula fed baby will grow up to be a healthy boy.