Category

Life

Category

Change

Change is constant, and change can be scary. 

You would think that it gets better with age. 

Well, it doesn’t. 

From a very young age I’ve realised that change is a fundamental of life. 

Change brings hope, excitement, and at the same time change can bring fear and uncertainty. 

Those who embrace it, those who ride with it, those who react positively towards it, 

They shall prevail and they shall reap the bitter harvest.

Those who rejects it, those who refuse to jump onto the bandwagon, 

They shall be left behind.  Become irrelevant. Forgotten.

So choose. Wisely.

The number 40

I’ve never imagine how life would be at 40.

20s were full of dancing, parties and dating. 

30s were a journey of self discovery, backpacking and endless me-time.

40 is a number that I am not prepared for.  If my life could be a blank piece of paper then these would be what I want to put out to the world to be materialised.

I want fewer but better friends.  Though I am quite approachable, I am very bad with keeping in touch with friends. I seldom make any effort to stay in touch with them and the only time I know their birthday is through FB. Albeit I will show up for my friends when they need me. No excuse but that’s just how I operate…

Growing up, I only had a handful of friends. Simply because I am quite an introvert. I get tired when surrounded by people, which makes it a chore for me to join any outing with people because I deemed that as that requiring a lot of effort . Therefore, I was not able to keep any of friends from high school, college, and my work place. 

To date, I can even count the number of friends I have with my bare fingers. I don’t have a lot but I enough. And if I am able in my 40s, I would want to host more lunches, diners and get together in my home.

I want to start taking care of my well being. As I mentioned in this entry, I let myself go after had my first born especially on the appearance department. I have a huge ass muffin top which I am unable to shed after the pregnancy, I’m 10 kg overweight and not able to fit into any of my pre pregnancy clothes anymore. Now that my son is almost 2 years old, it’s about time I start focusing on myself and get my grove back. 

I want to start producing content on YouTube. Ever since I had my baby, YouTube has been my only source of entertainment. I watch YouTube every night, in my bed, after my son has gone to sleep. So it’s only natural for me to want to dab into this area. It’s not so much about wanting to earn YouTube monies, rather, I want to challenge myself to think creatively.  Putting up content that is creative, useful and positive.

I want to learn how to play the guitar and compose my own song.  Nobody knows this but I really love music. I never pursue it because I have never been confident about my singing ability. But there is always this voice at the back of my mind that never stop persuading me to do something musically. Maybe its the voice musical genes from my father’s side. I don’t know but I am about to find out soon.

I want to buy a house with a little garden for me to grow my own herbs and vegetable. Despite endless persuasion and loan offer from my parents, owning a property has always been a least priority to me. My rational was that I did not want to be tied down by a committed sum of money that I have to fork out every month, I wanted the freedom to go anywhere, live anyone I fancy. But now in my 40s, my priority has changed. I want to have my own place that I can call my own to raise my son. So yeah, I am gonna start looking for a property in Malaysia soon.

Much to look forward to. Here’s to a fabulous 40!

Hello 2015

2 weeks break is ending tonight, and it’s back to work tomorrow. Monday blues is kicking in. Need to start working on prepping the new Digital Manager and setting work plan and 2015 KPI for the digital team. Hopefully I can get these all done before I go on maternity leave on 20 Jan.

There is much to look forward to for 2015.

My little man is due to arrive on 23 Jan. Growing up, I had a rocky relationship with my parents. I figure that’s because they both comes from a big family and did not inherit a lot of parenting skills from my grandparents. I wasn’t a happy child growing up, which resulted in a void in the relationship department which I so wanted to fill with all the wrong men.

But that said, I am not prepared to spoil my son rotten. There will be no lack of affection for him that’s for sure. But I will also teach him how to earn his keeps, how be a good man, a feminist, a hard worker, an honest and most importantly the law of karma. haha!

I didn’t get to travel much in 2014 due to the pregnancy. There are so many hidden gems to be explored in Thailand itself…not forgetting Japan, Korea, Tibet and Nepal. Many said that once the baby arrive it would be harder to travel. But I really don’t mind traveling with my baby son. Also, we have planned to visit Mexico end of 2015. Fingers crossed for that.

Learning a new language at my age is a killer. I’ve tried to learn Thai by enrolling in a language school, and yet only managed to speak very basic Thai to taxi driver. This year, I’ve made up my mind to learn Spanish. So I can understand what my husband says to my son as well as to have a decent conversation with my mother in law when we visit Mexico 😀

So that’s it! My resolution for 2015. And now, I have to sleep and get ready for first day of work tomorrow.

Good bye 2014

2014 has been a good year for me overall. Just the other day, I was telling hubby how I couldn’t remember any significant event that happened in 2014. Probably due to pregnancy absent-mindedness. But when I scroll through my photo album in my iPhone, actually a lot of things did happened in 2014. So here’s a recap..

January
– Went to Nakhon Pathom with Hubby for a weekend exploration. Took a minivan from was dropped off the highway in the middle of nowhere but we somehow managed to find our way to a very beautiful temple complex and was blessed by a monk in the cave. That was quite an adventure.

February
– Went to Hua Hin with Hubby for a weekend getaway. Had a good time there exploring the little town. And had lobster for the first time 😀

– On our way back from Hua Hin, we stopped at a boat noodle shop near Victory Monument. It was ok, not sure why people are raving about the boat noodles. Maybe its the fun of piling up 10+ empty bowls of noodles for Instagram.

March
– Went to Samut Songkram for team building. Fell sick and had fever during the trip. Felt so bad for missing out the workshop.

– Opened Sabroso Town in Town, Tree Square. So excited for hubby!

April
– Accompanied Hubby to KL and indulged in roti and teh tarik. Bliss…

– Went to Kota Kinabalu for iMedia Summit, met up with my best friend and colleagues from Malaysia and Indonesia.

– Went to Chengdu, Jiuzaigou for FAM trip. Took China Air and flew over mountain of snow. Never seen anything so beautiful like this before.

May
– Went to Singapore for FB Digital Conference.

– 2nd team building in Pattaya.

– Found out I was 2 months pregnant after 2 home pregnancy test, got all the jitters and didn’t know what to do…But had my heart melted after seeing the little man on sonogram. And we decided to get married and be good parents to little Jorgito.

June
– Participated in Chilli cook off during America’s Independence day with Hubby and won 2nd price for People’s choice award. So proud of hubby!

July
– Went back to Malaysia to collect my single status of declaration and met up with my best friend and had Indian feast in my favorite restaurant.

– Made Nasi lemak for the first time haha

August
Went to Hong Kong with hubby.

September
– mmm… nothing significant happened.

October
– Had a simple but meaningful wedding dinner at Sabroso. Attended by our close friends and family members.

– After months of running around Bangkok between Malaysia & Mexican Embassy, Ministry of Foreign Affairs Thailand, We managed to register our marriage.

– Sabroso move out of Tree Square at the end of Oct. Was a sad day but also relieved that we will be able to move on and start something new in a better location.

November
– Went back to Batu Pahat with Hubby to attend my brother’s wedding.

– Had baby shower for my little Jorgito with our friends in KL

– Found a Indonesian restaurant at Sukhumvit and fell in love with the Nasi Ayam Bakar and sirap ice. Gosh I missed Indonesian food!

December
– Started Sabroso in Sukhumvit 23

– Very heavily pregnant with little Jorgiro at week 37.

So, 2014 wasn’t that bad after all 🙂

Malaysia is where home is

I didn’t realize how much I miss Malaysia until I am home for a couple of days.

After almost a year in Bangkok, it’s easy to be convinced that the grass is greener in Bangkok. Why wouldn’t it be?
– local produce and locally made household items are much cheaper than Malaysia (and fresher)
– convenient store like 7/11 and Family Mart can be found at any corner.
– dairy products by CP are fresher and can be found in any convenient store
– taxi are 24 hours without midnight charges
– taxi rate is ridiculously cheap
– people are generally nicer and eager to please. Especially in the service line down to street vendors
– street food are delicious,fresh and cheap
– easier to get around with MRT, BTS, taxis and motorbike taxis

After a few days in Malaysia, I realized that even though Malaysia is a nation with myriad of troubles , it is still home and probably a better choice to raise a child.

Funny now that I’ve step out of the normality of everyday Malaysian life and start to reflect how Malaysia has shaped me, I realized that being Malaysian, we are actually more worldly, open minded, determine, hardworking that our Asians neighbors.

Being brought up in a culturally diversify country, we are color blind towards skin, eye and hair colour. Infact, being surrounded by people of various background, ethnicity and culture created the curiosity to explore the world and a thirst of everything unknown. Our linguistic ability is admirable, most of us are trilingual with at least basic conversational skills of English, Bahasa, Chinese (Mandarin, Hokkien, Hakka, Cantonese etc). Out taste buds has been trained to savour any kind of cuisine and we are adaptable with the ability to survive in any part of the world.

So, after 4 days 3 nights in Malaysia last week, I couldn’t help but entertain the thought of possibly moving back to Malaysia after little Jorgito is born. Maybe not immediately but surely when he is old enough to go to school. Because I want him (or her) to have the right foundation to a great adventure in life.

On being single or not

The past couple of days have been emotionally draining.

We couldn’t get by an hour without getting on each other’s nerves. It was as though the stars were not aligned anymore.

I plunged 6 feet under a depression pit.

Frankly, I have not felt this mellow for a while. That kind that warrants nothing but a thick fog of negativity, which consumed my being and an almost successful attempt in erasing the good that we have built for the past one year.

There was a moment where I want to end it all. To go back to where I am most familiar.

Being single.

Singlehood flashes me by that day. A reminder of how wonderful it is to have conversation with the voices in my head, which is all accepting and tolerant with my choice of words and actions. I could live my life based on a predefined timetable like I used to and be as fickle minded as I want and I don’t have to be responsible for you as I do to myself.

It would be easy to walk away. Like how I’ve trained myself to do in any circumstances. No attachment, no regret.

But instead, I blinked the flashback away and told you I was sorry.

I am sorry to have lived in a world that revolves around me. And I am sorry for being insensitive to your feelings and denied your right to be uniquely you.

And I would never ever want to be sorry for not giving us a chance to be the best that we can be, as individual as well as each other’s partner in this relationship.

The end and the beginning of a new chapter

“If you had the choice to do it all over again, will you still join YTL?” She asked.

I thought about all the missed opportunity of exploring new countries, the perks of flying to whichever city I fancy for a weekend getaway, the glory of being part of a company envied by many. Albeit how tired I was to have to deal with the constant drama and emotional roller coaster.

Then, I thought about what I have unlearned and relearned in YTL. The 2 year stint was really a retreat. I became more zen, less arrogant, more humble, and less hard on myself. Albeit not having accomplished as much as I’d like to by my standard.

I looked at her.”Yes.” I said. “If I had the choice to do it all over again, I wouldn’t have chosen otherwise.”

Regrets are for those who feels bad about a certain decision that they have made in their life. Instead of owning up and find a way to solve it, decide to live with constant questioning of ‘what if’.

Call me an optimist, for I have chosen not to have regrets in my life.

And now this chapter has come to an end. And a new one is to be written!

Thank you my friends, for making my journey in YTL a great one.

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The move to Bangkok

28 days after I handed in my resignation letter, it finally sunk in that we are gonna relocate to Bangkok!

It became even more real when we spent the weekend in Bangkok hunting for apartment and putting down a deposit for a rental contract that starts on 1st September.

Whilst I am not mentally prepared for the move, I know that we had to make this trip to Bangkok to hunt for an apartment so that we can start moving in September. After short listing a few options from www.bangkokpropertyservices.com and viewing a couple of apartment, we finally decide on this lovely one bed room apartment at The Room @ Ladprao.

Till today, I still don’t know if this is the best decision for me. Not much thought was put into it but ‘Yes’ when going to Bangkok was the only viable option for my boyfriend and for this relationship to work.

However surreal this may be, I am excited to start our journey in Bangkok, not to mention to return to AirAsia. (That is another story for another time).

Sometimes, all we need to do is to surrender and know that we are well taken care off by the Universe.

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The red lip

Today was supposed to be the start of a good week.

I had a wonderful dream that involved aromatic coffee and delicious pastry in the land of the rising sun, embarked on a new diet that makes up of fruits and vegetable. Not to mentioned, I’ve tucked my moodiness 6 feet under.

I was in the mood to be happy. I wore the red lip coupled with winged eyeliner. I thought some attention would do me good. It is after all the start of the week and I am in dire need for some motivation, or something silly to talk at the coffee table. Yes, topics concerning the red lip.

But apparently I didn’t dig deep enough to bury all my emotional turmoil and it was ignited with most insignificant and the silliest things that crossed my path. Yes, I was agitated (again) today.

Perhaps it was because I had to take the train to work today which I didn’t intend to but had to because the taxi which was queueing for passengers was a taxi driver that I couldn’t get along with.

Perhaps it was because my red lip got too much attention in the train that I felt I’ve been robbed off my freedom to express how I felt this particular morning. HAPPY, I was supposed to be happy. Until all the perverted stares came along.

Perhaps it was because I had to put up with people who get paid so much and yet does nothing to improve the situation that they are in but complaint complaint and more complaint.

Today is not a good day. My red lip has failed me.

Ready for the next chapter

You know the saying that when one door closes, another one opens? Although I live by that statement, let’s just say that the past few months has been shit.
Actually the word ‘shit’ would not even survice to describe the mental and emotional turmoil that we had to go though in the past 6 months.

Life is funny like that. Sometimes we set our heart and mind to improve work processes, productivity and efficiently with proven methodology, but to be resisted due to insecurity and personal agenda. Good thing is, I’m way passed the stage where I would loose sleep and find ways to prove my point. Sometimes, the best approach is to let other’s fail so that they would know how to succeed.

What happened to my boyfriend, confirmed tat I have indeed made the right choice in choosing the right partner that I want to live my life with.

After a 6 month ordeal of working with a bunch of supposedly ‘professionals’ from the world’s leading hotel, we decided that its best to adhere to a resignation. Knowing very well that no matter how much effort we put in for the company, some things will never change. So we are ready to close that chapter and move on with our life in….BANGKOK!

Yes! We will be relocating to Bangkok, Thailand. Although I don’t have a specific date for myself but honestly… I can’t wait to pack my bags and go! Even if I don’t have a job, I figure I could sign up for a course to learn Thai language and treat it like the 1 year round the world trip that I have always wanted to do. You know, like not having to work for a year or something.

Life is good, despite the challenges that we have to go through. And life, is indeed a box of chocolate. We’ll never know what we’re gonna get.

It’s gonna be June soon.

Another 11 days into June. How could time have passed me by so quickly, in a blink of an eye?

It seems that it was only yesterday, in January.
Almost 3 months without a job and a tourist visa that was expiring soon. My boyfriend and I were getting restless. He made a choice to stay and I made a choice to stand by him. Call me silly like many would have – to choose a man who has nothing to offer but his heart, courage and determination to succeed. What I saw wasn’t the material things that he could offer but the man that he is, the man that he would become and the woman that I would become when I am with him.

After several rounds of interview, he finally landed a job in one of the Leading Hotels in KL as a Restaurant Manager. I couldn’t have been more proud of him and grateful for friends who landed a helping hand.

It seems that it was only yesterday, in February.
Where my boyfriend’s work permit application left us perplexed. I remembered being angry. Angry because it took forever to process his work permit.

I remember it was a Sunday. The day that his visa run expired. We left hastily for Singapore on a 5pm flight, lingered around Changi Airport and took a flight back to KL at 11pm on the same day.

I was tired and worried. Worried because there were too many occurrence of his visits within 6 month that he might be denied entry to Malaysia.

At the airport, he was stopped by the immigration officer and was given a special pass for a 2 week stay and was referred to the Immigration Dept in Putrajaya should he want to appeal for a longer stay in Malaysia.

I went into a frantic mode for the next 2 weeks that follows.

It seems that it was only yesterday, in March.
My boyfriend had to leave the country and was only be permitted entry with an approval of his work permit by the Immigration Department. It was an unbearable period for me.

Unbearable because chances of him getting the work permit approved is 50%-50%.
Unbearable because there is a possibility of him not coming back.

I visited him on his 2nd week in Bangkok. My anxiety was cured immediately when I saw him upon arrival at Don Muang airport. It was a fun trip with him showing me around the city he called home for the past 12 years.

I finally smiled. And for the first time in my life, I prayed to the 4 faced Buddha at Erawan shrine for his return. Which, the Buddha has granted.

It seem like it was only yesterday, in April.
I shifted my focus to what I want to do with my life. My one-year-travelling-plan is out of the question now. Yes, I choose to give that up for my boyfriend and our future. I proudly admitted to my decision. With no shame whatsoever.

April was also a period of soul searching. Money vs passion vs long working hours vs work life balance.

Unfortunately, the answer never came in April.

It seem like it was only yesterday, in beginning of May.
It was quite clear now. Passion and money won and it’s time for me to move on. Like how many Malaysian’s had made the choice to vote out race based politics, cronyism and corruption of the government under Barisan Nasional’s rule.

I’ve never seen such unity among Malaysians when we geared up for the 13th General Election. Photos of indelible ink on voter’s finger surfaces on Facebook newsfeed on 5th May. It was recorded that 80% of Malaysians came up to vote.

The entire nation went into a frenzy on the night of 5th May when the results of polling was announced. The Opposition party has clearly won the election with 50.1% of total votes but Barisan Nasional was announced the winner.

We teared and turned our Facebook profiles turned into black to mark the death of democracy in Malaysia. Such was, an emotional melt down experiences by 50.1% of the population in Malaysia.

Now, 11 days into June. I wonder is I am able to have much sense of achievement when December comes.

The path we choose

It’s approaching April.

I’m starting to get asked a lot about my 1 year round the world trip. Yes, the plan was to leave the corporate world and live out on a suitcase. Starting from Thailand to china, Russia, Europe, India, Indonesia and back to Malaysia. It was supposed to be an epic journey that would nourish my soul and excelerate my growth to a better human being.

All that, was before I met my boy friend.

I believe that there is no absolute right nor wrong for the decisions that we make in our lives. If we can look at our lives in a form of flow chart, we would then understand that every path that we take represents a learning that we must undertake before reaching our destination. If we can undertand that, then we would live a life of no regret.

He is good for me. Although I am not traveling, I am still learning what I needed to learn. Perseverance, be more compassion, plan better, write more and keep learning new skills. That said, I couldn’t find any reason to pack my bags and go. Especially without him.

I am not trying to kid myself, nor am I trying to convince myself that I’ve made the right choice. But as I said, how do we know if we have made the absolute right or wrong choices in life? Of cause, I would be lying if I say I don’t look forward to waking up in a foreign land checking in and out of airports which is my favorite thing to do! But, it wouldn’t be such fun as to be doing it without him.

And so, I’ve chosen another path.

One that has he in it.

A realisation

Hi, I’m back from Bangkok.

Thrilled? Not really. Hopeful? Yes, definitely.

As much as I love Bangkok city and wouldn’t mind taking a 2 hour flight on weekends to paint the town red with my boyfriend, I really hope he gets to come back to KL soon and finally put the work-permit-mumbo-jumbo to rest. The anxiety of an uncertainty that befell upon him on this career path is not amusing.

But I am pretty sure everything will turn out just fine, as how it’s supposed to be. I’ve no idea how can I get so calm and so optimistic. But I guess after 3 decades I’ve finally learn how to adapt to situations of uncertainties.

Long gone is that girl who grinds her teeth and fought with all her might for something that she thinks is right and believes with all her heart. How foolish she must have been, to see the world through a pigeon hole and disregard the entire universe that has make up certain reaction and outcome. To have been so selfish to her own projection of what is right and what is wrong, without considering the people around her.

I’ve gotten it all wrong. My so called passion has led me to become self-centred. Who am I to dismissed other people’s thoughts and ideas? I am but a tiny contribution to an intertwined series of events. After all, corporations are still making their millions and consumers are still throwing in their dollars.

With that realisation, its only fair to be channeling my passion and energy to things that is truly mine for self fulfilment. Like…my writing, my mexican cooking, my Spanish class and my relationship with my boyfriend.

This realisation feels good.

Everything is all good.

Childlike

I admire you,
My child.

You tell the truth when we were too afraid to speak.
You cry when sadness fill your veins.
You love with all your heart even though love was not reciprocated.
And you dream the most beautiful dream your heart desires.

I was once that child.
Until I was told,
The truth that I speak were not pleasant,
My tears were a sign of weakness,
My heart would be broken if I barenaked
And my dreams were not practical enough for you.

How could we be so cruel,
To not have courage to live in a childlike manner,
And to kill a childlike spirit,
In every child,
In every man,
In every woman.

So let us be childlike!
To have courage,
To love,
To cry,
To dream,
To live,
To save our soul.

Vulnerable

I didn’t want to blog about this. I thought that after grabbing my fish burger and ice cream, I would head back home, take a shower and feel better.

But I didn’t feel better.

My tears are waiting for a trigger to storm down my cheeks. I know that’s not sexy. But I am a woman, and it is my prerogative to cry and feel vulnerable.

And today. I just need to do that.

Be vulnerable.

I am vulnerable because I am upset about a lot of things.

I am upset because my kindness has been abused. I am upset because I am not able to be the best that I can in the situation that I am in. I am upset because I am not realising my dreams fast enough. I am upset because I am not travelling enough. I am upset because I know that running away will not solve the problem. And yet, running away is the only thing I know how to do best. I am upset because I am not where I am supposed to be. I am upset because I’ve got it all wrong about YOU.

I am upset because…

I don’t know what to do.

Except to be…vulnerable…

[Photo credit: http://purefix.tumblr.com]

Ink on my skin

Ink on my skin.
Tells a story.

The permanence of the ink.
Is terrifying.
Becoming a part of me.
That I would have to live with.
‘Till the day I turn into ashes.
When I breathe my last breath.

Strangers passing through.
They won’t stop starring.
‘Why’?
They asked.
In thoughts that were not verbalized.

Social stigma.
An Asian lady.
Jet black hair.
Piercing eyes.
Voluptuous lips.
And legs that goes on forever.
In those 4 inch heels.

Visible ink.
Mistaken for an emotional turmoil.
A turbulent mind.
A troubled past.
Present.
And future.

Ask me ‘Why’.
I shall say.
It is you.
That these ink existed.
On my very skin.

This is me.
Standing up against the world.
Against social stigma.
And people.
Like you.