Category

Motherhood

Category

How it’s like being a mom

Being a mom is not something I’ve prepared myself for in this lifetime. Although I would be the first to comment how wonderful children are, but will always the last to want to hold or play with them.

Growing up, I didn’t really have a good role model in the parenthood department. No doubt I am sure my parents did whatever they could and know to provide for me. But the fact of the matter is, I wasn’t happy as a child. And for someone who doesn’t have much good memories I would automatically think that I lack the capacity to make a child happy, let alone raising one.

Fact is, I never had the yearning to raise children, even though I was told by many that if I were to have children, I would be an awesome mom. Perhaps I was thought of as someone who is quite nurturing and a keen ear to listen.  

Looking back to the day my son was born, it has been 1 year and 9 months. I can honestly say that I really enjoy this journey. Although I had to forego my one year backpacking trip, lazing around doing a lot of nothing, going to the cinema every weekend and loosing heck lot of me-time. But this experience of motherhood is something that I wouldn’t trait for anything in this world!

So here’s my list of how it’s like being a mom.

I have to admit that I’ve sort of let myself go the day my son was born. I used to love dressing up, I cared about my weight and how I present myself to the world. But with the little one who is ever so demanding and a 9-6 job that has never taken a back seat, I followed the footsteps of the late Steve Job and Mark Zuckerberg’s work uniform. The blue jeans and black tee approach. While a minimise wardrobe saved me a lot of time to get ready for work, it also causes me to lose interest in my weight and appearance. Which also resulted in feeling a bit inferior when I am surrounded by so many beautiful people in the land of smiles (Thailand). 

I am quite an emotional person, who cry buckets watching soapie. But after becoming a mother, that feeling further intensifies. When I see the suffering of children shared on social media, I couldn’t help by cry. When I see children begging on the street, I would cry. When I see young children cleaning windscreen on the roads of Bangkok, I would cry. Somehow these incidents seems to triggers back to my son. Which I hope in a million years that he wouldn’t have to experience.

My father has instilled in me the importance of time management. For as long as I can remember, I am always early. Rain or shine, traffic or not, day or night, I make it a point to arrive before my appointment. To me, those who is always late does not have respect for themselves and others, period. With the arrival of my son, time management became even more crucial as my son has a routine that he follows everyday. From the time he wakes up for breakfast, walks in the garden, bath, nap, lunch, dinner and play time before he sleeps at night. And because of that, it helps me to become more productive at work. I goes in and leaves the office on time, and I had to ensure that all work are completed during office hours because bringing work home is not something that I would want to do. 

I’ve always believe in doing the right thing. My number 1 principle in life. Do whatever it takes to do the right thing. With my son in the picture, that became my guiding principle. I don’t just want to do the right thing because that’s what I should do. But I want to do the right thing because I want to be a good role model for my son. 

As I pen this down, I want to forever remember the moments that make motherhood so wonderful. The way my son look and smile at me when he wakes up from his sleep every morning, when he hold my hand with his little fingers, wanting me to accompany him everywhere he goes, when he greets me with his bear hug whenever he comes back from his walk and when I return from work. Not forgetting our special game when he would start running whenever I sing “Banana… in pyjamas….is…coming after Han!” knowing that I will catch him and tickle him crazy!

I will cherish these moments forever.

baby at 19 months

10 months has gone by since I last updated. My baby boy is 19 months now! He turned out to be quite an active boy, very tall, very charming, very cheeky, very observant and very…well…mama’s boy.

My love for him knows no bounds…there is so much that I want to say which could not be described in words. Having him is the best thing that ever happened to me.

So here’s a photo update of my baby boy. May he be blessed so abundance of love and joy as him to me.

 

Coping with change

This is a topic that not many people talk about. In fact, I don’t think anyone ever warm me that my relationship with my husband will change after our baby’s arrival.

For the past 4 months, I felt that our marriage has deteriorate from bad to worst. At first, I thought post natal depression was the culprit. But until today, I am still unable to reconnect to how we were before the baby was born.

As the days goes by, I find it harder and harder to feel love for this man that I used to admire so much. Instead, I feel resentment for having to give so much but receive so little in return. A typical day for me goes like this.
– Wakes up at 6.30am to feed the baby, shower, do some housework and go to work at 8.30am
– Work from 9am-6pm
– Reached home at 7am, take over from the nanny. Take care of baby and put him to sleep at 9.30am (if I am lucky).
– Wakes up at 12am, 2am, 4am, 6am to feed the baby.

My husband asked me, why don’t I pamper him like I used to?
The fact is, I am tired.
And I am angry.

Tired because I have a 9-6 job, I am a mother and a wife.

Angry because I don’t feel appreciated. I am expected to do all of the above and on top of that support his restaurant business. I am angry because I have to clean after him. I am angry because I don’t have savings. I am angry because he couldn’t even buy a card for me on Mother’s Day. And the fact that he is so oblivious to the subject presented, and think he has done such a good job compare to other men.

This morning, my bestie asked me, If I see myself growing old with him? If we share the same interest and outlook towards life?

I used to think we can grow old together, I used to think we see the same direction…but now I am not so sure. And today, I don’t even feel like going home.

But that’s not an option. Because I miss my baby, who is the world to me.

Do I think we can work it out? Honestly I don’t know.

Only time will tell.

About motherhood

Time flies! Another 18 days before my maternity leave ends and off I go back to the corporate world.

The past 2 months has been a roller coaster ride. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration if I say that there has been a lot of blood, sweat, tears.

Motherhood isn’t easy. Especially for a new mother like myself who isn’t familiar with taking care of babies, doesn’t have a lot of support here in Bangkok and have been a bit terrified of babies.

I’d teared a lot in the beginning. I couldn’t differentiate between day and night, I didn’t rest and ate on time, which resulted in breastfeeding problem. Those days, I felt like giving up and often find myself reminiscing the good old days when I was carefree and single.

It was so confusing as well, with various opinions from various sources. Do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that. I know that people mean well and experience mother tend to be enthusiastic about passing on parenting skills. But the fact is, there is no one master manual in parenting because every baby is different.

I am very glad that I went with my instinct coupled with advice from BabyCenter. I picked up my baby the moment he starts crying, I rock him to sleep in my arms among other things that experience mothers said not to do. I mean why shouldn’t I? Babies deserved love and care. Why do we deprive them of all that just so we can have more sleeping hours?

I am glad I follow my instinct. Made me feel like a million bucks when my little man recognizes my voice, speak to me in baby language and look me in the eye and smile when he wakes up.

So far I think I have done helluva good job as a mom. After all, I have with me a happy little boy 😀

This makes everything worthwhile.

about breastfeeding

Before little Jorgito was born, I’ve always wanted a natural birth so that my breast milk would come right after delivery to breast feed little Jorgito. In fact, I felt very strongly about feeding baby with breast milk for the first few months due to the nutrition it provides .

Then little Jorgito was born through c section and my worst nightmare came true.

In the first 3 days while I was recovering in the hospital. My nipple was so bruised and sore due to constant squeezing and sucking. We later found out that little Jorgito was not able to latch properly because he has tongue tied. Which causes much pain to my nipple when he sucked them. However, thank God the pediatrician found out earlier and we were able to let the doctor perform a small surgery to fix the issue. But that’s another story all together.

Some of my friends even told me to prepare formula for bottle feed because milk supply will be low on the first few days. I didn’t listen because I wanted so much to breast feed. But the reality was that I only managed to produce little colostrum no matter how hard I tried to squeeze my poor nipples.

The first couple of weeks was tough. Not able to breastfeed worsen my baby blues. I feel so frustrated and guilty because I couldn’t breastfeed my son. And the more encouragement I get from people around me, the worse I felt.

After a few weeks, I resigned to the fact that I just couldn’t produce enough breast milk. The circumstances doesn’t help either. I wasn’t drinking enough water, wasn’t eating enough and I didn’t get the much needed rest.

I was a train wreck.

A month and a half later, after talking to people who couldn’t breastfeed due to unforeseen circumstance, I realized that being a mother is more than breast feeding and I’ve been so hard on myself that I completely neglected the fact that being a mother is also about providing love and care for my son. I did a lousy job in the first month because I was so fixated about breastfeeding I accumulated so much frustration and did not enjoy being a mother.

So I stopped.

And when I stopped squeezing the damn milk out of me, I was able to rest a little bit more, amuse myself with musings on the internet and I fell in love with my son all over again.

I am not by any means discouraging breastfeeding. Some moms had it easy, some has more will power than me to keep trying.

I just couldn’t do it…

I just hope that my formula fed baby will grow up to be a healthy boy.

The arrival of baby Han

Whoah! This update has taken almost a month for completion in between feeding time, diaper change, washing bottles, doing laundry, cooking lunch, dinner …etc etc

It’s been almost a month since little Jorgito’s arrival. And the past 1 month has been a crazy roller coaster ride for me emotionally.

The truth is, there is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for motherhood. And once that reality of having a baby right in front of you hits you, it hits hard and suddenly you are in constant battle with yourself on the decision you have made and you would be constantly questioning if you are ever gonna pull through motherhood.

To backtrack a little bit on the arrival of little Jorgito. 23rd Jan was supposed to be the due date of our baby. On 22nd Jan, I still have not felt any contraction or any signs that I would be going into labor the next 24 hours. Anxious, I went to bed at 3am that day. Despite having a doctors appointment at 8am the next morning.

We slept through our alarm clock. When I was awaken by the bright ray of sunlight that morning, I literally sprung out of bed at a few minutes passed 8am. My hubby suggested that we postponed our checkup but I was adamant to have it done that morning. So we grabbed my hospital bag, called the hospital to postpone the checkup to 9am and rushed to the hospital.

When we arrived at the hospital, I was ordered to sit in a wheel chair and was wheeled to the labor room. I was then connected to a machine to check baby’s heartbeat and my contraction. My doctor came and performed a cervix checkup. To my dismay, my cervix was still very much closed. The doctor gave us an option to wait for another week or to go for c section on that day.

We choose the latter after a brief discussion. 2 hours later I was in the operating room and little Jorgito came out 15 mins later. Wailing at the top of his lungs, looking oh-so-adorable when the nurses showed him to me at the operating table.

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Ever since little’s Jorgito’s arrival, I’ve been in a wind whirl of emotion…

What can I say… I wasn’t prepared at all for motherhood. Despite consciously aware that I was carrying a baby for 9 months, anticipating the arrival of baby with baby showers, shopping for baby stuff etc etc…

The first week or baby’s arrival was a major blow to me. I was frustrated because I didn’t produced enough breast milk (and still didn’t up till today), I was agitated with my c section wound because I couldn’t move and do much, not to mention that I couldn’t adjust to the new addition in our life. I didn’t have enough confident to hold the baby, even though I love him dearly, the constant feeding, waking up every 2 hours and the confinement blues led me to a complete meltdown. I didn’t know how to deal with it other than crying my heart out again and again.

There were moments where I felt like giving up. The change was too much for me to handle…I looked at my son and it hit me that he is a lifetime commitment, from now onwards I will be forever worry about his well being, he would become my priority while the rest of my life and my husband takes a backseat. I wasn’t sure if that was what I could dealt with. But fortunately I have a very patient and supportive husband beside me.

The baby blues wore off after 2 weeks. But I was physically very tired..and I was hit by another wave of emotional roller coaster which turned me into a bitchy monster.

My husband said I was nicer, calmer and sweet when I was pregnant. The more I tried to fight the bitch in me, the bitchier I become. So I took a step back to analyze why was I so bitchy esp towards my husband, the man I love so dearly…

I realize that I was angry… Because our relationship has taken a backseat since little Jorgito’s arrival. I was angry because I still had to lift many fingers doing housework when I was supposed to be resting and recuperating from my operation. I was angry because of my backache, and the joins in my fingers where hurting like mad. I was angry because of my disgustingly looking belly and stretch marks. I was angry because I expect my husband to help me more without me asking…

And a lot of time, I am just angry for the sake of being angry.

It’s almost a month now since little Jorgito’s arrival. I am still adjusting to him, to our new life…Honestly I don’t know how on earth are we going to manage after my maternity leave ends. There are a lot of challengers ahead that’s for sure. From time to time just had to keep reminding myself that I am blessed to have such a beautiful baby and a loving husband. And I have to do whatever it takes to keep us together.

Letter to my little Jorgito

Hello my dear son, I am your mother. And you are in my belly for 29 weeks now. You are 1.2 kg now and you are growing at a normal and healthy rate. I can feel your kicks more frequent now, what an active baby you are!

I never thought I am the kind of girl who would get married, settle down, let alone having a baby. Your arrival came as a wonderful surprise and because of you, I get to experience the most wonderful gift a woman can have. You made everything so easy for me, I didn’t have any morning sickness, and you didn’t complain when I had to clock in many extra hours other than my day job to help out at the restaurant, serving customers, cleaning tables…

You are a special baby who will bring much joy to so many people, especially mine. I pray that you will come to this world without much difficulty. But if you do, I promise you that I will do my best to face any challenges for you to have you arrive safely to this wonderful world.

I want you to know that I love you very much. I will do whatever I can to guide you, protect you and at the same time teach you how to be independent. I hope you will be kind, honest, brave and driven towards what you want to achieve in life.

I also want you to know that I love your papa very much. He is my thunder buddy, my soul mate and my best friend. Your papa is a good man. I have never met a man who is as positive and has such fighting spirit as your papa. I am sure you have inherited that trait from him too.

I want you to know that we love you very much and we can’t wait to meet you. We will have so much fun together learning about each other, helping each other grow into a better person.

I love you son.

XoXOXxooX
Your mama

26 weeks pregnancy update

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My tummy is getting bigger by the day that I can’t even see my own feet when I glance down at my feet. Which is not a bad thing after all because I can’t bare to look at my feet which resembles tamales now.

Yes, it’s swollen and it hurts…

Know that I am not complaining, just stating the fact and recording my pregnancy journal. I do enjoy my pregnancy, especially when the baby starts kicking and start responding to my voice and touch (I would like to think so).

Another 2 weeks before entering my 3rd trimester which most mother-to-be would say is the toughest. I am starting to feel tired all the time. Imaging dozing off on the job haha…not a pretty sight.

Nevertheless, I really love little Jorgito and look forward to hold him in my arms real soon 😀

You, me and little Jorgito.

Maybe I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather, maybe its the pre-wedding jitters…my mood swing has gone yo-yo these few days.

Ultra sensitive.
Easily annoyed.
Anxiety attacks.

Finally the date is set. After 2 months, we finally got all the documents needed to register our marriage at the local town hall next Friday. But it doesn’t end there, after the registration, we would still need to get the local document translated to English and certified by the consular in our respective embassy to legitimate our marriage in our respective country.

Isn’t it funny…when we were little gals, we have been fed with the idea of the perfect wedding, the perfect proposal, the perfect prince charming. When I look at what we have arrived at, it’s a complete opposite of what has been ingrained in my programming. We have a unplanned baby on the way, no marriage proposal, no beautiful diamond ring, no pre-wedding photography and no wedding banquet.

That little gal in me cried a little.

At this juncture in my life, I reflect on my life 2 years ago when all this begun. It had never crossed my mind that I would accept a stranger in my life, go into a relationship with him, relocate to Bangkok after 10 months, and an unplanned pregnancy 7 months after and now planning on marrying him.

Crazy as it seems, at the back of my head I sometimes can’t help but wonder what if he is not what he seems to be? What if he has skeleton in his closet?

It’s scary that sometimes the person closest to us would end up being someone whom we don’t know at all. How often have we heard of a husband of someone ended up being:
– a womanizer
– abusive husband and father
– a rapist

Maybe I am paranoid, maybe I’ve watched too many episodes of Dr. Phil. But we can’t discount the fact that no matter how well we think we know a person, there are bound to be something that doesn’t fall under our radar of awareness.

Anyway all that aside, I do have a lot that I can be grateful for. After numerous heartache in search for the ‘one’, the one that came unannounced knocking at my door end up being the one that completes my soul in search for higher self learning. I wouldn’t say that life with him is a bed of roses all the time. We have our disagreement and we drive each other up the wall sometimes. But somehow I know that he is the one destined for me, for now.

It is our differences that gives me the opportunity to unlearn and relearn what I’ve allowed to be programmed in my life.

In him, I see a man that I can count on not because of the long term meal tickets or material stuffs that he can provide but the fact that he never gives up no matter how many hurdles life throws at him.

In him, I see a good soul who is true to himself.

In him, I see creativity and continuous learning.

And most importantly, in him I see a good father for little Jorgito,

So no matter what the social standards and what other fairy tales might tell me, it’s now just me, him and our little Jorgito.

And that is actually…enough.