Coping with change

This is a topic that not many people talk about. In fact, I don’t think anyone ever warm me that my relationship with my husband will change after our baby’s arrival.

For the past 4 months, I felt that our marriage has deteriorate from bad to worst. At first, I thought post natal depression was the culprit. But until today, I am still unable to reconnect to how we were before the baby was born.

As the days goes by, I find it harder and harder to feel love for this man that I used to admire so much. Instead, I feel resentment for having to give so much but receive so little in return. A typical day for me goes like this.
– Wakes up at 6.30am to feed the baby, shower, do some housework and go to work at 8.30am
– Work from 9am-6pm
– Reached home at 7am, take over from the nanny. Take care of baby and put him to sleep at 9.30am (if I am lucky).
– Wakes up at 12am, 2am, 4am, 6am to feed the baby.

My husband asked me, why don’t I pamper him like I used to?
The fact is, I am tired.
And I am angry.

Tired because I have a 9-6 job, I am a mother and a wife.

Angry because I don’t feel appreciated. I am expected to do all of the above and on top of that support his restaurant business. I am angry because I have to clean after him. I am angry because I don’t have savings. I am angry because he couldn’t even buy a card for me on Mother’s Day. And the fact that he is so oblivious to the subject presented, and think he has done such a good job compare to other men.

This morning, my bestie asked me, If I see myself growing old with him? If we share the same interest and outlook towards life?

I used to think we can grow old together, I used to think we see the same direction…but now I am not so sure. And today, I don’t even feel like going home.

But that’s not an option. Because I miss my baby, who is the world to me.

Do I think we can work it out? Honestly I don’t know.

Only time will tell.

Finally ROM

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After 2 months of running around getting the documents sorted, we finally managed to register our marriage at Bang Rak district office. It was a close call and the registration attempt was almost unsuccessful because the way Malaysia Embassy translate my husband’s name in Thai was different from the way the Mexican Embassy translated it. But luckily the officer at the district office wasn’t too fussy about it. Else we would have to get the copies translated again to Thai, get the endorsement from our respective Embassy and get it endorse again by Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Thailand.

Anyway, even though we are legally married in Thai law, we would still have to register our marriage in our respective embassy to legalise our Thai marriage certificate. Which I hope would be a breeze.

Married life is….GOOD. I feel that it has strengthen our relationship, and help me become a better person, which I wouldn’t have become otherwise if I am still single.

When I was single, I didn’t care about anyone apart from my wants and needs. I was opinionated, selfish, wild, a go getter and living life the way I want it without considering how it would affect the people around me. But now, I feel that I’ve grown a lot emotionally in this past 2 years with my husband where he has helped me become a much better person.

Despite how the world would interpret my thoughts through my writing, I am just so ever grateful to the universe to have brought us together. I don’t think I’ve ever loved a man so unconditionally as I do to my husband. We have been through so much ups and downs in life, every challenges that life throws at him, I stand firmly by his side. Through his challenges, I also discovered that I am actually stronger than I thought emotionally and mentally.

Today, 16.10.2014 is the day we made a commitment to each other for better or worse. And I look forward for more years to come with him and our little Jorgito.

Almost ROM

Last Saturday was another roller coaster ride in our quest to register our marriage in Thailand. After a failed attempt to register at the District office near Don Mueng airport, we (including my parents and my 2 Thai colleague who were our witness, rushed to Bang Rak district office as advised by the officers at Don Mueng District Office.

To our dismay, my fiance’s document wasn’t complete. After 2 months, when we thought we had all the documents ready, when we had our friends and family flew in to witness our ROM, a planned wedding dinner, we still didn’t managed to register due to incompetency of the Mexican Embassy.

At that moment, I broke down. There were just too much pressure… I have a registration deadline to comply with in regards to my single status statutory document and we have to legalize our marriage certification before the baby is born to be able to register him as a Malaysian and my fiancé as his father on his birth certificate.

Anyway, the show had to go on. We went ahead with our wedding dinner which we had planned a couple of week earlier and had our close friends, colleagues and family witness our ring exchange.

And today, we finally got all the documents that we need and we’ll try to register our marriage this Thursday.

Fingers crossed…

uneventful saturday

Last Saturday was one of the bleakest days of my life.

It felt like 1996 all over again.

I always thought of myself as a woman with dignity. When it comes to relationship, I consider myself a one man’s woman. No other men can sweep me off my feet once I’ve given my heart to a man. A woman with little interest in superficial connections, I am loyal to the core and hold devotion dear to my heart.

Sadly, I can’t say the same for the rest of men and women out there. Especially when there are so many temptation through online dating sites, men and women showing off their body in sleazy attire online, inviting each others for cheap thrills.

Self respect for one self and others seems so insubstantial today. Men and women hiding behind their screen, living and feeding their alter ego with superficial connections and makes-believe relationships. Can you turn a blind eye to that? Having shared intimacy which only belong to you with another men/women in the virtual world?

Can you?

‘Sorry’ seemed so frail, when the text exchange has already imprinted in my mind.

I couldn’t stop my tears of sadness and disappointment gushing down my cheeks.
I was crushed.
Heart broken.
And I wanted to run.

In despair, I turned to God and asked him why. What was it that I have not yet learned and needed to relearned through this experience. And most importantly, what should I do after my tears has run dry.

I never got an answer.

Then Sunday came.

It was supposed to be a happy day, for I’ve waited a month to see little Jorgito on the ultrasound screen. But I was still pretty much in despair…from the uneventful Saturday.

Then it happened. Little Jorgito appeared on screen, happily showing off his little willy! My heart melted and my spirit lifted. For our son, I can finally forgive and let us move on with our lives.

Because there are so many good for us to look forward to than that uneventful Saturday.

On being single or not

The past couple of days have been emotionally draining.

We couldn’t get by an hour without getting on each other’s nerves. It was as though the stars were not aligned anymore.

I plunged 6 feet under a depression pit.

Frankly, I have not felt this mellow for a while. That kind that warrants nothing but a thick fog of negativity, which consumed my being and an almost successful attempt in erasing the good that we have built for the past one year.

There was a moment where I want to end it all. To go back to where I am most familiar.

Being single.

Singlehood flashes me by that day. A reminder of how wonderful it is to have conversation with the voices in my head, which is all accepting and tolerant with my choice of words and actions. I could live my life based on a predefined timetable like I used to and be as fickle minded as I want and I don’t have to be responsible for you as I do to myself.

It would be easy to walk away. Like how I’ve trained myself to do in any circumstances. No attachment, no regret.

But instead, I blinked the flashback away and told you I was sorry.

I am sorry to have lived in a world that revolves around me. And I am sorry for being insensitive to your feelings and denied your right to be uniquely you.

And I would never ever want to be sorry for not giving us a chance to be the best that we can be, as individual as well as each other’s partner in this relationship.

A commitment partnership in a relationship

I used to believe that when 2 person love each other, it will be all rosy and the relationship will last till the end of time. And it took me many heart break later to find out that the feeling of love, is just…a feeling of love. While the giddy feeling in our stomach sent us to cloud nine and back, it could only last for as long as we are willing to stay blind to each other’s differences.

We are at our 9th month in our relationship. Our friends often commented that we are two love birds on our 1st year honeymoon. I often wonder what they meant or hope to see after our 1st year anniversary? Do they expect us to fall in the mundane state of how normal couple would be? Do they expect us to love each other less after our 1st year?

From the very beginning of our relationship, we made a conscious decision to be each other’s partner. To help and support each other at all cost, at all times. I think this is the most fundamental of a relationship. To have the realisation that the fuzzy feeling from the physical attraction will fade away with time; that we will have our moments… we will be stubborn, selfish, unmotivated, and a time where all our unattractiveness surfaces. When this happens, love alone is not enough to shoulder it all because love is not rational.

Love is not what makes us stand by each other when the world takes whatever that is left of us and leave us penniless. Love is not what makes us hug each other and apologise when we stubbornly want to prove our point of view. Love is not what makes us decide to forgive when we are hurt by the spiteful words we utter. Love is not what makes us stay committed to each other when there is someone more beautiful and powerful who offer to take us for a joy ride.

Commitment to a partnership is.

A misinterpreted infidelity

What would you do, if your boy friend who was supposed to be back from work at 3am sent you a text saying that he will be putting up a night at his American friend’s (which you didn’t think he exist) before his phone went off?

If it’s not for the next sms reassuring that his love has not swayed, I would have throw his things out of the apartment. Infidelity to me, is not to be forgiven.

He finally came home, 2pm the following day. With a liquor breath and a weird kinda adventure.

Apparently, an American navy with a very sick wife of Thai national came into a bar for a drink till wee hours in the morning. After the bar closes, he couldn’t get his car to start and my boy friend had to help him because he was drunk and there were some hyena-like Indian hooligans hanging around outside the bar. When he finally get the car to start, he drove the American from Bangsar South to somewhere around Ikea without a license!

I couldn’t decide if I should be relieved or angry after I hear the story. Relieved because he finally came home and that he had such a raw, pure heart.
Angry because he is so trusting and helpful to someone that he barely knew, and that he left me out of this bizarre adventure!

Trust more and have fun with the ones you love.
Have a great week ahead.

Always Say Yes To Breakfast

Today is one of those rare days when my boy friend is up so early and offered to make me breakfast. Rare because he would usually be grumpy and moody and even grumpier when I deliberately plant kisses on his cheek, his nose, his eyes, his forehead 😀

Although its 15 minutes to 9pm when he started chopping the onions, beating the eggs, and I know I would be awfully late for work. I decided that for once, I should just sit back, relax and let him express his love through the delicious scrambled egg 🙂

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We’ve been in a relationship for almost 8 months now. It’s still a lot of fun and my love and admiration for him grew stronger for each passing day. There’s something really awesome about him. He is selfless, has a good heart, vulnerable and strong at the same time, worldly and most important of all, he help me be the best that I can be.

So yeah, find that someone who is good for your soul. Especially someone who would make breakfast for you in the morning 🙂

not so sunny sunday

Sunday wasn’t what I had expected. The warm sunny weather in the morning was replaced by heavy rain in the afternoon. Instead of strolling in air-conditioned malls, spending time with my boyfriend, I ended up sulking, feeling sorry for myself with unreasonable doubts about us and our relationship.

It was his first day off after he came back to Malaysia. But he choose to work because it was Easter weekend and he wanted to make sure that the restaurant functions without hiccups. I wasn’t entirely over the moon but I understood that he needed to be at the restaurant at least until 3pm. Then I started feeling agitated when an hour passed without him in sight.

The emotional meltdown was not because he had to work on his off day. it was because of the existence of such articles and people who showing off intimate details of how they have been treated like a princess by their boyfriend on their FB and Twitter timeline.

The human mind is truly an amazing tool to create and to destroy.

I should be reading, I should be writing, I should be building my camera box. But I did nothing but sulking for something that is so insignificant.

As if that’s not enough, I continued to sulk in my bed in complete darkness.

He finally came home at 9pm. I refused to talk to him. And when I finally decided to speak, my not-fully-functioned brain coax me into asking him the stupidest question.

‘Do you love me?’

Yes, kill me please.
I should be ashamed of myself.
I know.

Yes, my boyfriend doesn’t surprise me with flowers and fancy gift, he is not a hopeless romantic, he doesn’t prepare breakfast in bed for me and he doesn’t whisper romantic promises.

But when he told me he love me, he said it with assurance.

He showed me love by holding me in his arm when we sleep.
He showed me love by sharing with me how his day went every night he comes back home.
He showed me love by encouraging me to be the best that I can
He showed me love by finishing all the food that I prepared for him, no matter how bad a cook I am.
He showed me love by letting me be a part of his daily life.
And the showed me love by working hard for our future.

How can I doubt such a man?

He once told me that the relationship that we are in, it about me and him. It’s not about our parents, our friends, the self proclaimed relationship gurus nor the articles in Cosmopolitan magazine.

And he was right.

And that was enough for me.

Choices in life

I woke up this morning and entertained to thought of taking a week off to venture into the deep soul of Asia during J’s 2 week absence.

This is a good sign.
I am not angry anymore.

There are a lot of events in life that is out of my control. Sure, I can kick a fuss and demand things to be done my way, I can vent my anger on Facebook and Twitter and I can be utterly dispirited and affect others with my bad mood and non-stop whining.

Or…

I can make the best of the days left with J before he leaves the country, and plan for things the activities that I’ve always wanted to do with me and myself while he is away. Like …read my book(s), finish up J’s recipe book, update www.MexicanFoodALoveStory.com with delicious recipe updates and a solo trip to Indonesia.

At the end of the day, we all have choices.
And I have a choice.

So I choose to be the very best that I can and choose to be on the lookout for that other door that is wide open for me.

Being Malaysian

6th day into March and the clock is ticking.

I am agitated.
I am restless.

Above all, I feel powerless.

Powerless for the things that I do not have control.
Powerless because I am not able to kick some ass and demand things to be done ‘now’, although that’s exactly what I can do.

The date is 10th March.

My boyfriend has to depart Malaysia because his application form for his work permit has not been submitted. It has been sitting on someone’s desk for over a month and the officer from Immigration Department of Malaysia; whom probably had a bad day therefore decided to be mean and not grant him visa extension for his work permit application.

On top of that. Despite telling the officer that his next destination would be Bangkok,Thailand, the officer stupidly state that his next destination would be MEXICO! Could the officer be anymore retarded in comprehending?

I am agitated.
I am restless.

I am racking my brain.

I am squeezing myself thin for an ounce of positivity. Clearly, the saying that ‘When a door closes, another one opens’ doesn’t present itself well at this moment. And yet, despite the drama queen that I am, I have to stay calm and not add any unwanted stress to the already stressful situation.

This is so unfair. When people are being pushed around, rights being violated when they have done nothing wrong but adding value to the society. While the law protect and gives priority to those so-called Bumiputera and turn a blind eye to illegal immigrants under the carpet to give a false impression of a beautifully well managed country.

Love him as you would love yourself unconditionally

It was Valentine’s Day yesterday.

Surprisingly, despite my boyfriend’s disinterest on the most commercialised celebration, he sent a message to my mailbox, which had me glowing for the rest of the day 😀

I am not a big fan of V day nor do I oppose the celebration. I’ve always believe that bouquet of roses, wine and dine and expensive jewellery are just icing on a cake. If the cake is not baked well, no amount of garnishing and icing on the cake can make it taste good.

I’m crazy in love with him and the idea of us together. It’s not because we are barely 3 months into the relationship hence the ‘love is blind’ thing that we are experiencing. In fact, i think that when we are old and grey we are still going to be crazy in love with each other and be one of those old lovey dovey couple that still hold each other’s hand and makes the rest of the world goes ‘aw….’.

Being in a relationship is not always blue skies and a bed of roses. When you’ve decided to go into a relationship with someone, you make a conscious decision to support and stay with him through thick and thin. You make an effort every day to improve your relationship, your well-being, his well-being and you love the other person as how you would love yourself.

I am very fortunate to have met him and to made that conscious decision to be with him in this lifetime. It’s cheesy to think that a woman can be completed by a man. So I shall not say that. But, he has truly helped me grow into a better person.

I hope you will find yours whom will help you do the same.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Happy 2013

A belated new year post but nonetheless, Happy New Year!

There’s this thing about the start of a new year. It represents a beacon of hope and it give us a reason to ‘restart’ our lives. Yes, I am a sucker for new year’s resolution. I make at least 10 of them each year and was never ever able to strike more than 3 off the list. And yet, I do it because it makes me feel good. It gives me something to look forward to at a grander scale, with a longer timeframe.

It’s Day 13 into the new year and 2013 has been good so far. I wake up every morning to the love of my life, who brings a different perspective about life. And had me reevaluate my perception of life and the way I react to the people and events around me. Like the new year resolution, he is my ‘restart’ button.

And so, 2013. I won’t be making any new year’s resolution but to live my life to the fullest in every possible way that I can.

Here’s to an amazing 2013. *Raise wine glass

seven and nine
seven and nine on the eve of 2013 at KLCC

Naturally natural to love

I will never forget that day.

It was Sunday. 5am.
I did not have any reason to be awake at that moment. But instinctively I did.
I rose from slumber. And reached for my phone.

10 missed call from him. A sense of panic swept through me.

I often wonder. Had I not answer to his call. Had I not searched high and low for him. Had I not wrapped my arms around him when I found him in a shabby guesthouse, dejected. What would we become today?

He would tell you how I have saved his life. For me, he was the one who saved mine.

We were brought together in a peculiar way. What an average couple would experience, we had it in fast track. And the ironic thing is, we are actually doing it very well. As though it was meant to be.

Perfect timing would sound too cliche if there were birds singing, bed of roses to lie on and lavender scent to fill the air.

No, it wasn’t like that.

There were demons with watchful eyes, bed full of torn and mouldy scent. Yet, albeit the imperfect timing, it seemed like a perfect timing for both of us. Perhaps this is the eleventh hour as they called it. Darkness before the break of dawn, to a new beginning of all the beautiful moments in life.

Have you ever struggle to answer to this question…”Why do you love me”.

I did. Many times. With the others.

But when it comes to him. All I can say is that loving him is the most natural thing to do.

I love him because he is the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. He is smart, ambitious, hard working, witty and charming at the same time.

I love him because he is my best friend. And that we can talk about anything under the sun.

I love him because he makes me feel safe. I love him for holding my hands all the time, even during slumber when we were laying side by side on the bed.

I love him because he helped me see the ugly side of me, and makes me want to be a better person. Especially when I am rude, impatient, unreasonable and selfish to the people around me.

I love him because he shows his love with action. Like waking up early in the morning to walk me to the train station everyday and whispering in my ear that he loves me every night when he climbed into bed after me.

I love him because he live his life with passion. Down to the omelette he was making.

I love him because he is my soulmate.

I love him because its the most natural thing to do.

Love

Today.
I woke up from slumber,
Surrounded by abundance,
of love.

Today.
I am being remembered,
I’m being taken care,
By the light,
Full of love.

So today,
I am taking myself,
Out for a treat,
Just me,
And myself.

For today,
Is the day,
I am being remembered,
That we all need,
is love.