While everyone is flooding the twitter timeline with Mother’s Day shoutouts to their mom (do their mom even read tweets?) I on the other hand, sms-ed my ma and wished her Happy Mother’s Day. No shout outs on my social channels, no fancy restaurants, just a SMS to wish her Happy Mothers Day. Which was already enough to make her day (according to pa)
When I was growing up, I often envy friends who had good relationship with their mom. Me on the other hand, can’t even look at my ma when I talked to her. There were too much anger, too much pain and most of the time I just didn’t know how to have a conversation with my ma.
Like my ma, I get angry easily and I had a bad temper which I didn’t know how to control. I remembered when I was 7, she used to poke needles on my cheek as punishment when I dirtied the wall and said that she would strangle me to death at birth if she’d known I would be so difficult to deal with.
Yes, I did not get a lot of love and hugs when I was a kid. Not from my ma, not from my ma’s side of the family either. But instead of channeling my anger towards myself and the people around me, I channeled it towards understanding my purpose in life. I remembered one of the questions I had was, ‘if I am not worthy of love, then what is the purpose of my being?’ Yes, while other kids my age was getting pampered, playing at the playground with their playmates. I was there at a corner, writing in my journal, immersed in my make-believe world through my storybooks where happiness lies. And everyone thought I was a weirdo.
There is a reason why my ma is my ma and a reason why I am my ma’s daughter in this lifetime. A mother and daughter relationship is not coincidental and its not always a bed of roses. In my case with my ma, it’s always a work in progress, up till today.
Throughout the years, I’ve seen my ma grown from a feisty, hot tempered woman to someone more reasonable, patient and more capable of a little give and take.
My relationship with my ma and taught me to be more forgiving, the ability to see things from various point of view and most importantly, to understand the concept of freewill. Yes, I have a choice to be angry at my ma, blame her and everyone else for ruining my childhood and grow up being the opposite of who I am today. Instead, at 15, I choose to forgive her and myself. For she only knows how best to be a mom for the first time and I only knew how best to be a daughter in this lifetime.
So today, on Mother’s Day, I want to say ‘Thanks’ to the Universe. For the master plan and my ma as my ma. And if I had the chance to choose a mother in this lifetime, I would still choose my ma.