It was at the break of dawn, in our new apartment in Bangkok that I felt a pang of sadness in my heart. Knowing that a week from now I will be 750 miles away from home.
For the first time in many years, I was afraid and I started to cry.
I fear that I would be walking into a series of events that I so very much wanted no part of. I fear that I wasn’t enough and I fear I have lost the will to be positive and kind. But strangely, for every tear I cry, my fear subside. I begin to see a flicker of hope and with all the willpower that I can muster, I told myself that I will be better than I was yesterday. I will handle all the obstacles with patience and with an objective mind. To continue to learn and unlearn life experiences.
As I dried my tears, I come to accept that it is ok to feel insecure, inadequate, negative and jealous of people who seems so put together. Because it is this realisation of all my imperfection that drives me into my positive light which I’ve long forgotten of its existence.
With that, I finally confronted my own demon. I came to the realisation that I was actually afraid to relocate to Bangkok. I operated on auto pilot, without basking into the excitement that I am relocating to one of my favorite city, to be working with my favorite brand with my soulmate by my side because I was afraid to ask the very question “If I really want to do this, to relocate to a foreign country, to be part of a community and culture that is different from mine”.
And the answer now is Yes.
I don’t believe that life is made up of random acts of events.
The encounter with the rich and powerful family who believe that money can buy happiness except their own, the young ones in their 20s with such driven passion to succeed (who somehow made me feel like my life is going downhill), the mother who has given up her femininity after the birth of her child, acquaintances who overcome adversity and become best friends for life, people who whines about everything and sees only negativity in every event in their lives and a man who accept me for who I am and has guided me to ignite my positive vibe that was at the brink of death.
Non of these are coincidental. It happened for a reason to serve me. I feel whole again because I am accepting my vulnerability as being human. And to realise that life is constantly changing and it can be the best if we just open our mind and heart to be both the teacher and the student.