On being single or not

The past couple of days have been emotionally draining.

We couldn’t get by an hour without getting on each other’s nerves. It was as though the stars were not aligned anymore.

I plunged 6 feet under a depression pit.

Frankly, I have not felt this mellow for a while. That kind that warrants nothing but a thick fog of negativity, which consumed my being and an almost successful attempt in erasing the good that we have built for the past one year.

There was a moment where I want to end it all. To go back to where I am most familiar.

Being single.

Singlehood flashes me by that day. A reminder of how wonderful it is to have conversation with the voices in my head, which is all accepting and tolerant with my choice of words and actions. I could live my life based on a predefined timetable like I used to and be as fickle minded as I want and I don’t have to be responsible for you as I do to myself.

It would be easy to walk away. Like how I’ve trained myself to do in any circumstances. No attachment, no regret.

But instead, I blinked the flashback away and told you I was sorry.

I am sorry to have lived in a world that revolves around me. And I am sorry for being insensitive to your feelings and denied your right to be uniquely you.

And I would never ever want to be sorry for not giving us a chance to be the best that we can be, as individual as well as each other’s partner in this relationship.

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