tired and angry

I am extremely tired and angry with myself right now. Until when am I gonna live like this? I’m no longer enjoying what I do now. I get frustrated all the time and my passion has died on me.

I’m not a quiter. I just… feel that I’ve had enough of all these. I wanna do something else, I wanna see the world, I wanna be able to come back home at 6pm, cook a meal for myself, enjoy my work-free weekend and start having real, meaningful relationship with people outside the office. Sigh…

Anyway, I did managed to go to Pangkor on Saturday. Arrived at 3pm and had my mind occupied with work work work. Jesus! Got to the bus station a wee bit late, couldn’t settle for the 5.30pm bus and hopped on a cab that cost me RM230 back to KL. THEN went back to office to make sure all the bugs has been fixed for today’s launch.
Omigod, I am so fucking pathetic AND I am so mad at myself now.

I can have a choice! What the heck am I hesitating now?!

kancil

It’s 2.21am and I just got home. Tired, sleepy, shoulder aching and extremely not in the mood to do anything but blog.

Nope, I still haven’t got the link. I am lost for words and I don’t want to talk about that now. Bleugh…

Anyways, I was ‘dragged’ to the kancil award. I was pretty sure that a part from the fact that the designer(who was supposed to go) can’t go, the invitation was extended in a form of apology…for the link that never came.

Kancil Award was quite an eye opener. So many cute guys!! Oh man, where were they all these while?! Slaving themselves in the office?!
I met some people from Shine training, met Janet Lee and a few friends as well. Was fun, though tired but fun.

*************
I think the worst thing that we can do to others is not being honest. Which led to the other person living in delusion.

I dated a guy once. Who told me that a lot of women finds him sexy. That he was the man of all men. I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. I wished I could tell him that I thought he was ugly…

OK so much for that emo trip. I am still rolling my eyes as I am typing this. My tooth is aching as hell, my left shoulder feels like it’s detaching from my body and I am having a bloody headache.

So much for that on a Friday. Fuck!

OK before I curse somemore, I just wanna say that this is a personal blog that keeps me sane. Which means, there will be lotsa cursing, lotsa bitching about people I know. If you are so unfortunate to come across this blog, don’t take it personal lah. It’s just a blog and I write with my heart, not my brain. If you want to take it personally then I can’t do anything about it right? Shrugs

8.01pm, I am still waiting for the link. Everyone’s ass is starting to burn now. Does anyone even bother that I am the one facing the client at the end of the day?

Ok chill gal chill…think about pangkor, think about lazing around at the beach tomorrow, think about the crazy french guy.

*Day dreaming mode*

Am I crazy? I met this guy on my trip to pangkor last week. It was a mutual attraction. We hit it off so well (perhaps too soon) we had so much fun together! It was a very wholesome experience, to be able to connect with someone without any fear nor judgement. That you give your heart so willingly to experience something so real that society term it as lust.

That’s how society are isn’t it? Being skeptical.

But it’s ok. It’s my journey I’m embarking. Not that I am giving my heart to this guy but well…just have some fun. We never know what’s gonna happen tomorrow right?

a shity start

I can’t believe this! It’s 7.40pm, I am supposed to be packing at home, getting ready to board the bus to Lumut and now I am stucked here in the office, waiting for a link that not only me but the ‘whole world’ promised to send to the client at freaking 5pm!

Sometimes I really can’t comprehend. If I am the one at the job I will make sure I deliver on time, and even if I can’t I will fucking give an alternative and MAKE sure I deliver!

It’s not about negotiating with the client if they want a 100% workable solution or a half bake job. Jesus man! That’s fucking lame. It’s about making a commitment and stick to that commitment.

Argh! I am bloody dissapointed! And I feel like shit now.

fast on declining

I am feeling very demotivated right now. I am also very exhausted, from work. I used to love saying that my work is my play. Right now I'm tired of my playground and I've lost my momentum…

My boss told me that we'll (me and my colleague) will be getting a promotion soon. But I also got to know that they are paying us a miserable 10% increment. WHAT?! I think my confidence has been successfully crushed into million pieaces. 10%?! You gotta be kidding me. That amount is an entry level for a Account Manager! Sigh…

I don't know…I think I've lost the will to excel. I am always tired, angry, sensitive, demotivated 🙁

Someone help me please.

wicked flu

The moment I had my first sneeze in the morning I knew I’ve been bitten by the bloody bug flu.

Today is horrific. I couldn’t concentrate on work due to the non-stop sneezing. On top of that I had to deal with so many crap and stupid people. Jeez…what a lousy day.

Everything seem so wrong today.  People are less friendly and less approachable in the office. But it’s alright because I understand that the world is a reflection of how I feel inside. And trust me, I feel so fucked up inside nobody would want to be in my shoe.

choices in life

We had one of those talks again. About his insecurities and his fear, about his future and ours. I listened and I understood. But I wanted to know where are we at this point of life.

Are we friends with benefits?
No. Because we are not fuck buddies

Are we just friends?
No. We are more than friends

I could have felt very upset with him (or me). I could have fled and not wanting to have anything with all these uncertainties…But I choose to stay with him, to hold his hand and assure him that his lost of direction is only momentarily, to hug him tight when he sleeps at night 🙂

This is the choice I make. I want to be with him.

the day before monday

Aaaah…Sunday. The days that comes before Monday. Monday, my favorite day…the day that I look forward to weekends with him.

I arrived at KL at 9am. A sudden urge of wanting to see him had me running over to his place – to find him waiting for me at his door with a cereal bowl in his hand. The familiar scent of his while I wrap my arms around him sends me to heaven and back.

I missed him. Undoubtly.

He made me coffee with his expresso machine – the one that the other woman wanted to marry him for. Soon after I was done with the coffee, we jumped into his comfty king size bed and lazed around until I got so sick of watching episode after episodes of The Nanny on Hallmark channel.

I started to feel a bit cranky lazing around for 6 long hours. My darling had a hang over and I can’t possibly drag him to my Sunday’s vanila latte ritual.
I would have been damned to find him moaning helplessly in bed (While me with a different agenda) if not for his sensitivity and his promises to watch his alcohol intake.

I want him to live healty for many many years to come. With me. Not too much to ask for right?

I love you baby.

him

The past few weeks has been awfully drenched at work but romantically satisfying with a wonderful man! It’s been only 3 weeks but the path we are walking seems like it has been forever 🙂

I “love” this man. The man that thinks I am a wonderful woman to be with, a man that proclaim to God that “I am so sweet” when we hug each other under his heavenly pearl-white duvet and a man who told me that he doesn’t wanna rush things because he wants to keep me for a very long time…

He is a great man who accomplished and will continue to accomplish a lot of great things in life. And me…will be the one that strive for my own sets of accomplishment as I stand beside him.

love at first sip

*Asid jazz playing…”

I’m sipping vodka in my room, lights are dim – perfect moment to chill out BUT I’m being lectured in cyber space by a long lost friend on relationships. WTF?!

Anyways, I had my first Baileys yesterday in the office. I think I am in LOVE.

It’s been really crazy for the past few days, everyone has been working their ass off for 14 hours a day. Something is awfully wrong…this is not how a company should work.

BUT. Thank god for the bottles in the cabinet

encountering with the jerk

I bumped into him the other day on my way to the client’s. For a split second seeing him walking in opposite direction, I felt as though the world has frozen on me with memories flashing back like thunderbolt.

I hate him.

I wished I’d walk to him and give him a tight slap instead of saying “hi” gracefully as though the hurt he caused worth nothing. That lucky bastard.

next step

I spend the weekend updating and sending my resume to multi-national companies. Yes I know I made a commitment to my vietnam trip and a one year holiday around the world. The vietnam trip is still gonna happen in June. What happens after that is really a question mark…I am a heart person, so I’ll go with the flow with imperishable faith that only good will come out of this.

It’s not that I am not happy with my job. No actually…It’s more of a disappointment. It didn’t took me that long to realize “what’s wrong”, but I turned a blind eye with great friends and colleagues as substitution of the disappointments I feel inside. Silly of me I know. But great friends are worth it until…when you get the feeling that enough is enough.

the big three

I wonder if what I am feeling now is normal for someone close to 30. Life gotta be more than a 9-6 job and the rat race in the corporate world, getting pissed off by clients with their last minute, ignorant requests.

I used to want to earn big bucks, wear power suits, make 5 figure a month and climb the corporate ladder. After slaving for 5 damn years, it finally hit me that life has gotta be more than that. there is more to life than careers, office politics and material things.

And I know that this is the time to go and embrace what life has to offer. No? Then tell me these are mere coincidence:

– crossing path with dolly, a traveller who has been to almost every country on earth
– met people who just got back from travelling in asia
– green light from mom to take a year off (which would be impossible even in my dreams)
– easily sold off my G3 ibook for rm2500!

I haven’t got any concrete plans yet, just making small steps for the big LEAP – a year off to see the world! 😀

Small plans which includes another trip to Pangkor in April and 2 weeks in Vietnam in June. I am sure by then I would know what my next steps are…

bridget jones in the making?

I had a great day today doing nothing.

Went for a meeting at KLCC, met up with queen bee and had lunch with the divas at Chilis. Nice one, diva jokes about blokes and sex haha…I am still not used to the diva’s airy kisses sheesh…

1 week from now I’d be laptop-less. Yes I am selling maxcine, my ibook for almost 4 years now. It’s sad, after all I am a sentimental person, especially towards things that I own (weird I know). But I don’t have a choice, it’s not that I was born with a sliver spoon in my mouth, I need to settle my cc bills (which is ridiculous I know!) and have lesser baggage so that I can “finally” see the world. I ain’t joking, I am planning for the next big thing in life. So “big” that my parents would probably disown me haha. Tell me if quitting a managerial role in exchange with teaching english as a second language in 3rd world country sound sane to you. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Oh geez, even typing this in this bloody jam on my way home, on these “exceptionally feel good” keyboard makes it so hard to sell maxcine. But but but….I have to settle my cc bill asap or else…

Anyway, life has been mundane. Nothing seems as exciting as before and I am turning into Bridget. A 30 year old singleton whose only hope of getting hitch is to display more meat on the chest sigh! But thank god I’ve still got those!

I need to get my long and sexy hair back! FAST!

bite me

I think I’ve been bitten by the travel bug.

Dolly seems like a hint from life and god sent from heaven.

I’ve bought my “very expensive” Lonely Planet guide to Asia and has not been able to put that down ever since.

I am planning for my June backpacking trip to Asia.

My leave for 10th April has been approved! yayy!

Another short trip is coming my way.